Me, My Demons, and Jar-e

Jeff Knorr, of Collpseable Recording Studio, called the other day. He was setting up a recording session for the Thursday of POPAsheville, as he does every year. He asked if Mad Tea Party was interested in recording a song with Jar-e. Heck yeah, we were! I saw Jar-e for the first time at the LAAFF festival and I became an instantaneous fan. I guess the feeling is sorta mutual, since he wanted us to record with him.

Jar-e and I emailed back and forth in advance of the session. He sent us a rough demo of the song he wanted to record, the words, and the chords. I went over it a bit, but the demo was a half-step off and the chords were complicated, so I figured I’d just have him show me in the studio. I didn’t think I was going to sing, so I didn’t worry too much with the words or the melody. I just got an overall feel for the song, which is called “It’s Time” (it’s an awesome song – Jar-e is a heck of a songwriter).

Jason and I got to the studio around 2:00 pm. Jar-e had laid down vocals and guitar to a click track. Jeff decided to start with my ukulele part. Walking into the studio, I discovered that there were three camera people in there with huge lights set up! They were from Studio South, a video production company who, thanks to a grant from Advantage West, were shooting a piece about POPAsheville. I sat down and started running over the chords to the song with jar-e’s track. It took me a little bit to figure out the arrangement. The cameras made me extra nervous, but they were doing their art so I tried to stay focused on mine. Particularly because I am very supportive of what they’re doing. Anyway, finally I got my ukulele part down.

Then Jar-e said to me, “Ok, so now you can lay down some vocals.” My heart stopped for a moment. I didn’t know I was going to sing. I tried not to panic.

You see, to be completely honest, singing (and believing in myself as a singer) does not come easily for me. I have spent years fighting inner demons that tell me NOT to sing. Now, I am not prepared to go into a discussion whether or not my voice (or anyone else’s) is “good”. I have worked hard to learn what goes into proper singing technique in regards to breathing, etc. I have sung my heart out for years. People can like it or not. People can think its “good” or not. However, the bottom line is I WANT to sing, and I have every right to. This desire is stronger than my insecurity. And perhaps my vulnerable self-expression will help to inspire others to express themselves. I certainly hope for that.

That said, the combination of feeling unprepared, having cameras on me, and just generally being out of my comfort zone was intensely challenging. I was even holding back tears at points as I worked to figure out my parts. The voices in my head were screaming insults at me, as mentally I screamed back for them to quiet down. Jar-e and Jeff were SO kind and supportive as they coached me through my part on the song. Jason could tell I was freaking out so he just stayed out of my way. I knew jar-e had heard me sing before, and and that he knew what my voice sounds like, so I found my inner strength through that knowledge and their encouragement. I eventually got my track down, and trusted that it was ok. Everyone else seemed pleased.

Jason laid his fiddle parts down next. He said the cameras were disconcerting to him as well, but you wouldn’t have known he was distracted – he did a terrific job. Later in the day, Krum from Bandazian and stephaniesid put down a drum track, and Jeff added bass. I had to leave before the song was finished.

That evening, I went to the POPAsheville kick-off party. Just as I was leaving, Jar-e showed up. He said he had a copy of the song. He grabbed Jeff and another friend and we all went out to his van to hear it. As we walked to the van, Jeff and Jar-e started talking about how “magical” the session was. We piled into the van, and I hid under my hat as Jar-e pressed “play”.

And you know what? It sounded great. Jar-e said he likes the quirkiness of my voice. Go figure. He also said that he was surprised by my tentativeness in the studio, since I seem so confident when I perform.

The next day, “It’s Time” was played on a few local radio stations to help promote POPAsheville. You can hear it on my MySpace page.

Wow. I am super lucky that I got to be a part of such a cool collaboration.

Listening back, the words to the bridge of “It’s Time” really strike me: “And you can brutalize my wings if you want to cuz I don’t use them to fly – but remember if you ever kill a bird that sings it will haunt you until you die.”

I am a bird that sings. And by god, I am going to sing, demons be damned..